Take that

My sister gave me my birthday presents this weekend. My birthday was in January. That's all cool, though, because I'm probably the worst gift giver ever, so I expect a little karma here.

One of the books she got me is awesome. It's by Kevin DeYoung, and it's called "Just Do Something: A Liberating Approach to Finding God's Will OR How to Make a Decision without Dreams, Visions, Fleeces, Impressions, Open Doors, Random Bible Verses, Casting Lots, Liver Shivers, Writing in the Sky, Etc."

I'm only halfway through, and I'm loving it. For anyone who's ever struggled with "finding God's will," I super recommend this book. I know it's put some sizable dents in lies I believe about God and His will. And for anyone who's ever felt stressed about finding God's will, who's felt a burden of discovery on them, DeYoung's points are liberating.

One of my fav passages so far (and there are a few of them) -- "Just to be clear, God does not hide things from His people. There are lots of scenarios we don't know, lots of mysteries we can't figure out. There is a will of decree that is not usually known to the people of God (Deuteronomy 29:29). But He is not trying to confuse us or hide truth. In the conventional view of God's will, however, we get the impression that He not only hides His will from us, but He then expects us to find it. So we obsess over God's will of direction, eventually getting frustrated with God for not showing us what He wants. We end up disappointed with ourselves or angry with God because we can't seem to figure out how to find God's will for our lives (46)... We walk by faith, not by sight. We risk because God does not risk. We walk into the future in God-glorifying confidence not because the future is known to us but because it is known to God (48)."

So if you're interested in God, His will, or theology in general, pick up this book. If only because he has some hilarious things to say about relationships too. Or feel free to disagree with me.

And yes, I did decide what I'm doing next year. :)

My (Not so Subtle) Grand Plan

First of all, my grand plan will exclude buses as a form of public transportation. Buses will be outlawed to be replaced by transporters.

Second of all, you have to have a sense of humor to read this. Otherwise, we can't be friends.

Just kidding! That was my first joke. Why am I *not* a comedy TV writer?

Last night I went into the City for a University of Michigan Entertainment Coalition (UMEC, thank goodness) writers' group. It was very nice, and I look forward to getting more involved. There were five of us there, two actors, an editor, and a freelance writer. And the elementary aide. None of us brought work to read and discuss, so we talked a lot about our ideas. We talked a lot about mine first.

Let me just say something. I love Keys, but it is probably the most blatantly Christian thing I will ever right.

Until I get the rights to remake The Robe.

Everyone has an agenda when they write. Everyone has an agenda when they do... anything, really. I was going to slip the Gospel into movies while passing out free Koolaid with the popcorn. And Keys... well, Keys really lays it out there. No sort of ambiguous talk about forgiveness or redemption or unconditional love. I mean, it's about the Garden of Eden and the Tree of Life. And how we're all sinners. You know, grade school theology.

And for some reason, some how, maybe they were just all very polite, or maybe they never read the pages (which I understand and did reciprocate. It was senior year, guys.), no one really called me on it during the master class I wrote it in. Prof J would enter his two cents, and sometimes there would be light hearted jokes about it (light hearted jokes about religion, any religion, are the BEST. They just make me feel like everyone's more comfortable and cool with people and their faiths. That could just be part of my neurosis.), but I never felt so acutely aware of the analogy that is Keys.

The UMEC group was though. As I described my story more and more (btw, have I ever mentioned how much I HATE summarizing? And how I really need to work on my pitch skills?), it got trickier and trickier to explain the plot without sounding like the next Left Behind novelist. I mean, I could have just said, "Aw, listen, why are we bothering with all this middle-man movie making business anyway? Let's just cut to the chase --"

Being an already awkward person, I was getting more and more uncomfortable as I tried to straddle this line of being honest and not sounding like a crazy person (that has a whole 'nother spiritual dilemma that I will spare you). I felt very clumsy. I didn't want anyone to dismiss me out of hand for anything I said. That's why I was so appreciative when Cool Freelance Writer Girl helped me out.

Cool Freeland Writer Girl: So wait a minute. Are you trying to do what Gospel music did, when they went from singing all hymns and stuff to the cool music Kirk Franklin and other singers did?

Me (dancing on the table): Yes! COOL!

Ok, I didn't really shout like that, but I definitely felt a lot better. It was a weird interaction because I don't know anything about her, about what she believes or anything. She might hate Gospel music and Kirk Franklin. She might think I'm completely crazy. But I do think she knows that I'm not going to attack her with a pamphlet and a WWJD bracelet.

I haven't really thought a lot about what it's going to mean to be a Christian in this industry. I think I'll be in the minority. I think I sorta had a laissez faire attitude about it before and that it might be more difficult than I originally counted on. But the Gospel is about unconditional love and forgiveness and reconciliation with God. And stories that are filled with love and forgiveness and peace -- well, you can say what you want, but I think I'm going to keep writing them anyway.

I'm a super slow asthmatic who couldn't out run a platypus.

However, I'm always about five steps ahead of God's plan. And by plan, I don't mean where I'm going to live and what job I'm going to have or anything inconsequential like that. I mean the stuff that really matters, the where am I going, how am I growing, what relationships am I forming. I don't really find myself to be a particularly imaginative person, but apparently I can daydream this stuff away. I get carried away and carried off with my own little plans - usually because I think I've finally figure out what God's doing. Something happens and I make it click like a puzzle piece that doesn't actually fit (our family has an inside joke about this - doesn't everyone's?). Clearly, this is why my life is this way. The past x number of years have been leading up to this moment and I can finally see how God has been orchestrating everything so that everything will turn out a certain way that I've foreseen/daydreamed.

Inevitably comes the moment where I realize this is not the case.

After a couple days of complete delusion, I realize that there's no way my plan matches up with what's really going on. And that fall back to reality really sucks sometimes. I guess because every time I jump ahead with the Plan, I'm looking for a way to make life make sense. My initial reactions to having my proposed logic shot down are not usually very positive ones.

The thing is, this ugly lightning bolt is usually just what I need. It's devastatingly humbling in a beautiful way. It brings me back to dependence on God and *His* plan. His plan which is, of course, so much better than my own. I am not where I would have planned myself to be. I most definitely would have planned the easy way. But looking back on my life, I know now there's no way I can imagine it better. Even my mistakes have been redeemed in a way integral to my place now. If I can trust that God took care of the past, why am I always jumping ahead of Him in the future? Why can't I just stop trying to "catch" Him at work and let Him work it out in His (most mysterious) way?

Sometimes, though, I think I wouldn't even give up these moments, no matter how discouraging they are, because they are the moments that I realize I am limited, but He is not. I am short sighted, but He sees all. I am confused and continuously distracted, but He is focused on loving me. And that's when I can concede. I'm trying to learn about dependency on God, because it's what's gotten me through some difficult times and it's a state of being that has incredible security in His love and faithfulness. And these are the moments when I fall from myself, am humbled by my own ill-conceived designs, and am reminded about His incredible, awesome grace. After I've tripped over my own shoelaces, He's there and He wants to carry me. And being carried by God to the future He's designed is so much more beautifully peaceful than running ahead and getting lost on my own.

"Feels like home to me"

If anyone knows me, they probably know how much I've struggled with my decision to come to Michigan. Once I got here I was pretty much stuck, because no school of any repute lets you transfer in more than two years' worth of credits, but my first semester here it was a constant question in my head as I walked around campus - what if I had made a mistake? This year, I thought I had conquered that question, for the most part. It still haunted around some days, but I had a life here, a place, friends that were like family. About two weeks ago, the lie popped up again, stronger than ever before - had I made a mistake? I thought I had come to Michigan trusting God, but maybe I had trusted myself instead. Maybe I had made a foolish, selfish decision. I had always thought of coming here as an act of faith, but for what purpose?

There's a large open space on campus that we call the Diag. It's sorta in the middle of campus, and in the middle of the Diag is a metal M embedded into the ground, put there by the class of 1953. There's a superstition that if you step on the M, you'll fail your first blue book (essay) exam. The only way to break the curse is to go streaking through the Diag at midnight or something. But once you've taken and passed your first blue book exam, you can step on the M as much as you want. I think it's a sort of coming of age for a student, after they've taken on the challenge of the university and conquered it.

The thing is, I will never step on the M. The M to me doesn't represent this school or the challenges of academics or anything to do with the school, really. It has to do with my decision to trust God, not just when I first came to Michigan, but day after day after day. It is a symbol of faith for me. And now, it's a representation of the reward that comes from that faith. Because I believe with my whole heart that God has me here with a purpose, a plan, and that He's using me here. This is home for me, more than any other place I've lived in the last four years. And I am so thankful that I am here, despite the struggle it's been.

I've journaled about it recently, and what was even cooler was that I got to share the *full* story of me and Michigan with a friend who was just asking my advice on different colleges. It was so cool, because you know that feeling you get when you're talking to someone, and you just know that what you're saying is truth? This is some of what I wrote: "I would love to know the purpose, the plan - but do I need to? The choices I've made, whether optimal or not, God has worked out for good... I can trust in that. And if I can trust in that, the choices that brought me here are neither right nor wrong - they are irrelevant. What matters is that God is using me here and now and that I am still choosing to trust Him."

I was reading the screenplay for The Big Chill for class today, and it was like a final blow to my doubt, oddly enough. The writer is Lawrence Kasdan, a University of Michigan alum. The characters all graduated from Michigan, reference their time there some, and the closing scene even takes place there. I was reading the script when one of the characters mentioned studying for a blue book exam - and I almost started crying. Because I love my school. I've never felt so much pride in being associated with an academic institution. And it's not because of Michigan at all. I love my school because I love what it has taught me about God. There's no place I'd rather be. There's no home I'd rather have.

Lives Agape Productions

We didn't even let you get settled into our new blog address and title before we connected to the new endeavor - Lives Agape Productions. As I've started working on projects independent of class, I thought it would be fun to have a website for them, not only to showcase them when they're finished but to have a blog tracking their production and other fun features I'm sure I'll think of later. Really, this is playing at having a production company, but it's good fun anyway. I realized that I haven't really mentioned the short I've been working on that will be Lives Agape's first project. It's a short mockumentary called "Join This Group?" about the (over) importance of Facebook in a collegiate setting. I'm excited about it. It should be fun, but it's going to be a whirlwind of a production. We have three crew members, myself included, and we're hoping to pull it all off in three days of shooting. Hopefully, the interview style that dominates the script will help cut down on needed shooting time. Once the short is completed, there will be a link to that as well as to the Lives Agape Production Blog.

The reason I chose the name Lives Agape for the production company played largely on the meaning I want my stories to carry (ok, so maybe a mockumentary about Facebook is not the clearest example of what I want to demonstrate in my movies). I like to think that "lives agape" can mean open lives or lives of love. I think that by crafting stories that openly examine life, we can learn how to live lives of extreme love, which is, perhaps, the only way to live.

I read Galatians and Ephesians the other night for my Bible study, and I came across a verse that I had read and liked before, one I think people will find very little to argue with. Galations 5:6b, "The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love."

Lives agape, lives of love.

Plan B

I was walking with a friend the other day, talking about our (collective) futures, and he was referencing me and another friend, saying, "Honestly, I just don't see you two going in the same direction."

In the past year or so I've found this both a frustrating and amusing comment. Frustrating because I think to say it, people have to make huge assumptions that most people are really not qualified to make about another person. Amused because if they know where my life is heading, I do wish they'd tell me.

I've learned that while long term plans are a good idea and practical, it's also very practical to make sure that you're aware they will probably change. So when people ask me about my post graduation plans, they go somewhat along the lines of "Well, I think I'll probably move to California... and we'll see what happens..." (After a friend A. laughed at me, I've stopped including the preceding "If I fall in love and get married and have a reason to not go to California...") To be honest, California is my Plan B. In my chosen career path, that's a bit frowned upon. People expect you to sell your soul for a chance in this industry. Screenwriter Billy Ray (Shattered Glass, Breach) came by the other week and talked with us, and he talked about getting an Oscar, how badly he wanted one, and not just one but several, and his intensity was riveting and a little disturbing. That's the passion expected of people in the film industry. But do you really want to spend your life chasing after a little golden man? I mean, I will definitely want one, and strive to produce work deserving of one, but it's all part of Plan B, you know?

What's Plan A? I don't know. I'm leaving it open. Because moving to California and becoming a struggling filmmaker who lives in a cardboard box on the beach, that can't be it, you know? It's not a bad, plan, really, and I can definitely see components of it in the ambiguous Plan A. But I'm just being cautious. I've already had the opportunity to learn, at age 20, that your career isn't everything. And so I can't make it Plan A.

"Brighter than Sunshine" is my new favourite song

I'll slice your life...

One week up at camp this summer, we got into a discussion about difficult times during Bible Ex. My kids would pretty much unanimously agree that God would allow hard times to happen to a person, but they would say that He would *cause* a person to go through bad times. I tried to point out the flaw in this logic. If God knew that going through hard times would make a person better, and so allowed them, why would He not cause them if He knew the result would be good? When I asked another staff members what they thought, I found they would initial take the same position as my campers, though sometimes discussion would show they thought God might cause difficult times, though not trials that were the result of sin because God couldn't associate with evil.

In C.S. Lewis's book "The Problem of Pain," he talks a lot about God's love and how He can and will use pain to make us become more Christlike. And part of me just wants to accept an image of God who doesn't force us to go through hard times, but who simply uses the hard times we put ourselves in or the trials we are pressed with to create good in our lives. But really, I can't believe that. It doesn't make logical sense, for one. I would hope that a God who would allow a difficulty to happen to make me a better person would also cause it if He needed to. But more importantly, I can look back in my life and see how He dismantled it just to put it back together again. I think if God hadn't intervened, things would have gotten even worse in my life. It's like, some people think of how parents will have "tough love" for their children. But it's more perfect than that. Hard times are ok as long as you choose to believe that.

It's not necessarily an easy choice to make.

Why is pink lemonade pink?

Once upon a time (aka last Monday), I was sitting in a meeting, and the leader was talking he had heard about one family, more specifically the children of the family, who were not able to leave the church because of the love and faith they had found there. He said there was no way they could not be a part of it because of the way the church family had adored them and nurtured them as they grew up. I think these were pastor's kids, which is an even bigger accomplishment.

It was a thought provoking thing to hear, especially in light of what we had been taught the day before. S., during the service, had told us that the church should be the HOPE of the WORLD. That when people are asked what they think will be a source of help and hope, they should be able to say the Church of Jesus Christ, but that even Christians don't believe that. He talked about how the church was the only institution that Jesus founded, and that Jesus asked his disciples to love each other and take care of each other. And quite simply, that we as Christians, need to love the church. It's hard; I think often we don't think about loving the church. But don't we want it to be a place that people have a hard time leaving because of the love they've found there? Don't we want it to be the hope of the world? Don't we want it to be the place and the people that Jesus meant for it to be? What would it take to get us to commit to that?

Esther

"And who knows but that you have come to (royal) position for such a time as this?"

Matthew 5:43-48

"You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect."

Bug Bites on your Feet are not Fun

I wish I had time to talk about how amazing camp is. But I'm the last one of my day off party to be still on the computers in the library, so short it will be.

I finished Script Frenzy! It's awful, my script, for sure, and rewriting will be writing new stuff completely, but I"m glad it's done, and I think there's still a workable story in there somewhere.

Camp is so cool. Campers start coming tonight for a Mother/Daughter weekend, and then we get real campers on Sunday. I found out last night that I'm counseling the first week (we have one more counselor than tents in our division, so we have one "floater" a week), and I'm in Heffalump tent! Yeah, in the Explorer division (the eldest campers) all the tents are named after Winnie the pooh characters. It's awesome. As far as modeling the way that God wanted the church to train up the next generation, for older women to mentor younger ones, camps is great. It's really an amazing feeling to be able to step up to a leadership position like this. And we too have older, more mature women over us, leading and teaching us. That doesn't really happen in the real world. You have your pastor and your Bible study leaders and stuff, but to have this sort of blatant mentorship and leadership going on, it doesn't happen. It's cool to see it the way God wanted it. And camp is also a great place because even though you get to mentor and lead and learn from other women, you also get to be outrageous and silly and have more fun than should be allowed. I'm pretty much super happy (okay, and a little nervous about the campers coming in two days!)

Hope all is going well on the outside world!

Beautiful Day

I've been learning a little more about trust recently, or at least, about trusting God. I've learned a lot about that in the past year or so, but a lot of it's been learning to trust God that He'll get me through the bad stuff to the good stuff or that the difficult stuff serves a purpose or that even if I don't feel Him, He's there and supporting me. The thing I've been forgetting though, is that God and I have very different ideas of "the end." You know when you'll come against something difficult, a set back, and you think, Hey, that's ok. It'll all work out in the end. But I already have a version in my mind of what constitutes a good ending. And God's reminding me, more insistently, that yes, He's got the best plans ready for me. But they're probably not at all what I think they are. I just need to trust that they're better. : )

"The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love."

Galatians 5:6

This isn't about writing

This has been on my mind the past couple of days or so; maybe someone can help me out. Forgiveness is pretty integral to the Christian faith. Sort like, we're commanded to do it. Which sounds sorta tough at first, but, well, when you've been forgiven for so much, it's not so hard. Or it is, you just have a little help. So I was just wondering, how do non spiritual people forgive? I feel like it's got to be so much more self gratifying to keep that victim status and that hurt. Because forgiveness is effort, and it doesn't guarantee that the situation will get better or anything. Is it worth the supposed "feeling better" afterwards for you? How the heck do you get motivated? For the things that have really needed forgiveness in my life, I've had to look outside of myself.

What's outside of yourself that can help?

EDITED: Changed one word after Devon's post to try and show my emphasis on faith, not organized religion. I'm definitely aware of the fact that non spiritual people forgive and are good at it. It impresses me, because I'm not sure I could do it sometimes. Thanks for commenting, Devon!

What happens when you are?

I know you're not supposed to be jealous when God works things out for other people, but...

After all the things that have happened

Why is this one the hardest to forgive?

"no need to wonder what's been on my mind"

It's 1230, my computer just crashed with my original post, and I still have at least an hour's worth of work ahead of me. I haven't been able to stop thinking for the past two weeks. You know my entire life can be summed up in song lyrics?

Our pastor today talked about the church community, the real relationships and true love and genuine trust we're supposed to be able to find there. Ever wonder what would happen if we stopped lying to each other? I try to be honest in my relationships, to be open, genuine, etc. etc. I'm wondering about what the next level's like. Do people really want to see the honest you (or me)? Aren't they more comfortable not knowing? Maybe I'll just adopt a policy of if you ask, I'll tell.

I was looking through my old posts, and I saw this that I wrote sometime in the fall:

Just pray that God makes it really really really obvious what He wants me to do. I know what I want to do and I know what will probably end up happening, but I want to make sure that I do what He wants. I'm scared that I'll just have to make a blind choice, and that God will show me *afterwards* that I made the one He wanted. I want to know before I do it.

When I was applying to colleges, I made a deal with God. According to the terms of this deal, I felt pretty good about whatever He told me to do. I guess I was just sure that He was going to clearly guide me into what He wanted me to do. Then I realized that this deal was *mine* and that I had set it all up for Him, and really, He hadn't agreed to anything. And when it came time to make my college decisions, I didn't have that clear voice of God telling me what to do. I just had to make the smartest choice on blind faith. As a result, I've had to spend days where the one thing reverberating in my head over and over again is, Why the heck am I here? Not why am I here in the existential way, but why am I here, at Michigan, doing the things I'm doing. Because the thing is, I don't feel God's guidance. I don't know what He wants me to do here. Right now I'm getting pulled through life by its sheer force, my faith tied to my wrist on a string, convincing myself that I did not make a mistake. A huge $40,000 per year mistake. I know I didn't. I would probably have that fear at any new school. The adjustment period, you know.

I felt like I should know what I'm supposed to be doing here by now. I feel like I should know God's reason. I feel like I should *hear* Him. And I talked to my sister about it, and she was amazing. She always was the more rational one. The thing is, after talking to her, I knew that it's coming. Whatever it is, whatever God has planned for me, I'll know what it is soon enough. "Yes I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on..." My faith is a string. It's so frail, it's so little, but it's holding up my entire life.

And even if it was a mistake, God knows how to make it better.

I can't stop playing the songs of my life over and over again in my head. I can't keep from returning to the convictions that mixed up my life in the first place. I can't stop thinking.

As per my sister's suggestion...

The best of evangelicalism didn't prepare me for this struggle.
By Charles Colson with Anne Morse

Faith isn't really faith if we can always rely on the still, small voice of God cheering us on. A prominent pastor once told me he experienced the Holy Spirit's presence every moment. Contemporary evangelicals regard this as maturity. Perhaps it is—or maybe it is a form of presumption. True faith trusts even when every outward reality tells us there is no reason to.

Romans 8:18
I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.

2 Corinthians 5:7
We live by faith, not by sight.

Living by faith means that you keep walking even though you can't see where you're putting your feet or what you're putting them into.

"Truly, truly I say to you, you will weep and lament, but the world will rejoice; you will be sorrowful, but your sorrow will turn to joy.
"So you have sorry now, but I will see you again and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take your joy from you."

- John 16:20, 22