(P. S. - at the beginning, yes I know. This post is very stream-of-consciousness. Of course it's not developed fully. But that's just the artist within me.)
I feel like that's almost a quote from somewhere.
So this is the second day of school. I'm so excited about my classes. I sat through most of them yesterday and just kept thinking, "This is amazing. That professor, she nailed exactly what I love about literature" or listening to Ron speak about acting and the most powerful ways in which it affects and thinking about how I could give everything else up if I could move people like that. I knew yesterday that my majors are right, my dreams are right, and that I'm finally starting to figure out who I am, where I want to be, and maybe a slight idea of how I want to get there.
I hadn't nailed it before. I just hadn't worked it all out. I never had a huge adolescent identity crisis or anything, I just didn't know my intricacies yet. I was too vague. And I'm starting to learn and explore, and it's one of the most amazing things ever.
I'm understanding why I do some of the things I do, why I sacrified my heart for my spirit, why I need to take certain risks, why I'll never be happy being a housewife or maybe in a 'normal' job. I'm also realizing that it's ok to rethink your decisions, to reevaluate, and take that time to be sure.
This is it. I am an artist. I am a painter, an actress, a writer, a poet, a musician, a dancer. And if I try to deny myself a life that will fulfill the artist within me, I will ruin myself. This trembling ecstasy which I'm feeling now as I explore my own depths will dissipate, slowly, until I've forgotten it, until it's died, and I will only remember in it dismal snatches. Can I let myself live that way? I can't.
So I don't care about getting a normal job. I don't care about loans and not being able to pay them off. I don't care about living in the worst part of town. I don't care what my parents and family might think about the way I've chosen to live my life. I care about being myself, being me. The artist can touch everyone, move everyone, make everyone cry and laugh and understand about themselves, about life, love, the universe, everything! That's what I want. To show people... everything...
Tuesday, August 30, 2005
Thursday, August 04, 2005
Quotes
Keren: I love this song! It has so many bad words in it!
Keren, on a new music artist: No one's going to remember her name; they're just going to think of her hair.
Heather, to Keren: Be quiet! You drunk!
Heather, after giving me advice: I don't know. My life is a wreck, darling.
Keren, on a new music artist: No one's going to remember her name; they're just going to think of her hair.
Heather, to Keren: Be quiet! You drunk!
Heather, after giving me advice: I don't know. My life is a wreck, darling.
Update on the Writing Submissions, II
Eer, it's definitely infinitely more torturous when you can see what the editors are saying about you! There's been one reply on "Mark" so far, and I'm already plotting rewrites.
I also just sent in "Personal Universe." TSR has kinda a backlog on submissions right now, though, so we'll see how long it takes just to get to the submission review forum. Bill should be very proud of the number of submissions we get. It's only been like four months, and we've had almost 200 subs.
So now I'm 2/3 of the way done with my goal; all that's left is either my Amazing Journeys or Paradox sub. I'll work on them on the way home. You know you're a writer when you take your good paper home with you so your submissions will be professional.
I also just sent in "Personal Universe." TSR has kinda a backlog on submissions right now, though, so we'll see how long it takes just to get to the submission review forum. Bill should be very proud of the number of submissions we get. It's only been like four months, and we've had almost 200 subs.
So now I'm 2/3 of the way done with my goal; all that's left is either my Amazing Journeys or Paradox sub. I'll work on them on the way home. You know you're a writer when you take your good paper home with you so your submissions will be professional.
Update on the Writing Submissions, I
Well, both "Personal Universe" and "Mark of a Saint" have gone by the last (and only) critiquer. There was little enough to do with "Mark" that I got it sent out today. Now I have to stop myself from compulsively checking the boards to see if anyone's passed judgement on it yet. But at least my goal is 1/3 of the way complete. "Universe" might take a little more work, but I'll probably get it sent out tomorrow. Then I just have to fix up either "Again" for Amazing Journeys or "Valhalla" for Paradox. And I'll have a whole 12-hour car ride home to work on them. Wun-derful.
On a side note, I wonder if there is a point in putting up friends' quotes if I never give any friends this address to look at them?
On a side note, I wonder if there is a point in putting up friends' quotes if I never give any friends this address to look at them?
Wednesday, August 03, 2005
Quotes
Cameron, concerning a story about a MK that saved a can of Root Beer for two years: But I don't get it. If you save something for so long, what you treaure is going to become - sucky."
Me, concerning Keren's love life: There's always a chance of reconciliation.
Keren: I don't want reconciliation. I want to get married.
Cameron, quite seriously, after the general question being asked if C. S. Lewis's the Chronicles of Naria were children's books: But aren't all books children's books if a child can read?
Heather, trying to bring down a boy bargain with Allie: In the game of Monopoly, Colin is like Boardwalk.
Chris, at lunch: Oh, they're praying, and I just said "butts."
Me, concerning Keren's love life: There's always a chance of reconciliation.
Keren: I don't want reconciliation. I want to get married.
Cameron, quite seriously, after the general question being asked if C. S. Lewis's the Chronicles of Naria were children's books: But aren't all books children's books if a child can read?
Heather, trying to bring down a boy bargain with Allie: In the game of Monopoly, Colin is like Boardwalk.
Chris, at lunch: Oh, they're praying, and I just said "butts."
Tuesday, August 02, 2005
Typical College Student, II
My college plans have taken a turn for the worse. I have never felt such serious stress before, I think. It's not that I haven't had a huge amount of stress before, but this one event is very straining and I know I'm going to have to deal with it for several weeks. It's not like I can just take action and all this pressure will be gone.
My plans are, as they've always been (for the past couple months), to transfer to another school in a large metropolitan area to study film. I was going to continue through with Anderson this year, though. Now, that certainty of going to Anderson another year is in serious doubt. Depending on the schools I will consider, it just might be wiser to quit Anderson this year, work and make some money, travel, etc., do all that stuff you do in a year off before going on to my new school. I have about three weeks to make this decision.
I've been so prepared for this next year at Anderson. I've been looking forward to some aspects of it, that's for sure. I have some great classes, I'm going to have a cool job, I have wun-derful friends, the shows are going to be great, etc. etc. etc. But there's no point in hanging around another year if the majority of my credits aren't going to transfer. I'm going to be wasting a lot of money if I get to my new school and find out very few, if any, of my sophomore credits transfer.
I'm extremely worried, stressed, and generally second-guessing myself on everything I'm thinking. I have to go and talk to my would-be boss for next year about the possibility that I might not be coming back this year. And I haven't even mentioned it to the vast majority of my friends.
Some great things will happen this year at Anderson, and I think I'll stay. But I still feel this pressure to make the right decision. I know it's only money, but it's a lot of money. So for those of you out there who believe in God, please pray for me, that I'll make the right decision.
Even if that means not transferring at all.
My plans are, as they've always been (for the past couple months), to transfer to another school in a large metropolitan area to study film. I was going to continue through with Anderson this year, though. Now, that certainty of going to Anderson another year is in serious doubt. Depending on the schools I will consider, it just might be wiser to quit Anderson this year, work and make some money, travel, etc., do all that stuff you do in a year off before going on to my new school. I have about three weeks to make this decision.
I've been so prepared for this next year at Anderson. I've been looking forward to some aspects of it, that's for sure. I have some great classes, I'm going to have a cool job, I have wun-derful friends, the shows are going to be great, etc. etc. etc. But there's no point in hanging around another year if the majority of my credits aren't going to transfer. I'm going to be wasting a lot of money if I get to my new school and find out very few, if any, of my sophomore credits transfer.
I'm extremely worried, stressed, and generally second-guessing myself on everything I'm thinking. I have to go and talk to my would-be boss for next year about the possibility that I might not be coming back this year. And I haven't even mentioned it to the vast majority of my friends.
Some great things will happen this year at Anderson, and I think I'll stay. But I still feel this pressure to make the right decision. I know it's only money, but it's a lot of money. So for those of you out there who believe in God, please pray for me, that I'll make the right decision.
Even if that means not transferring at all.
Updates
First off, I've updated the sidebar. There are now two more links. One is to my column at The Sword Review. The column feature is very nice; updated quasi-daily (my fault if it's not), with columns from 12 different columnists. Then there's also Peter's Evil Overlord List: 100 Things to Do When I'm Evil Overlord. Funny, I love it. I wanted to share it with all you.
As for my writing, I've made some progress. Both "Personal Universe" and "Mark of a Saint" are ready to go once they've been passed by the last critiquer (the only one, actually, if you don't count me). I've made a slight alteration. I will send "Again and Again and Again" to Amazing Journeys instead of Paradox. I think it's better suited for that magazine. Besides, "City of Honor" is no where near being done.
Right now I'm disgracefully behind in reading and reviewing submissions for The Sword Review. We've been getting such a wun-derfully steady inflow of pieces; the number of submissions have really made it a quality e-zine. Other things I'm behind on: paperwork for work, finding another roomie for next year, reading pieces given to me by other people, and spending quality time in my beloved New York City.
As for my writing, I've made some progress. Both "Personal Universe" and "Mark of a Saint" are ready to go once they've been passed by the last critiquer (the only one, actually, if you don't count me). I've made a slight alteration. I will send "Again and Again and Again" to Amazing Journeys instead of Paradox. I think it's better suited for that magazine. Besides, "City of Honor" is no where near being done.
Right now I'm disgracefully behind in reading and reviewing submissions for The Sword Review. We've been getting such a wun-derfully steady inflow of pieces; the number of submissions have really made it a quality e-zine. Other things I'm behind on: paperwork for work, finding another roomie for next year, reading pieces given to me by other people, and spending quality time in my beloved New York City.
RCA Luncheon
I love eating lunch with the other RCAs. Today we had a discussion about the elitist social problems of the llama.
Monday, August 01, 2005
Genre Shame
In a thread over at the Sword Review forums, we discussed briefly the legitimacy of fantasy and science fiction as a genre (link here). We mentioned that the genres are often disparaged and not considered "literary." Then this past week, I exemplified what I would call "genre shame."
My now brother-in-law's family was over and we were at my aunt's house having desert, and we were talking about my major or something, and my aunt quips up, "Amy writes faan-tasy." (That's how she pronounced it, or at least that's how she pronounced it in my mind.) I got all flustered and hastily interjected, "And science fiction." Slight pause, realizing that's not always much better in non-genre-fans' eyes. "And literary sometimes." His family was very polite about it and stuff, but I was frustrated with my aunt. I considered going to my aunt and asking her to, please, if she was going to mention my writing not to mention what genre I write.
It was an act of genre shame. Unfortunately, genre shame isn't so easy to conquer. Many speculative writers are considered not "real" writers. Their pieces are considered sub-quality. Unfortunately (again), most writers struggle with gaining recognition from their friends and family. Often, they're not "real writers" until they're published. There's even prejudice among writers, those who think they're more of a writer than someone who only "claims" to write (I confess, that's me sometimes. I'm actually going to put up a post about the different kinds of writers sometime).
There needs to be some kind of reconciliation. Writers need to toughen up and stick to their genre no matter what the pressures there are from other people (which isn't easy!), remembering that there are many fans of their genre (otherwise there wouldn't be a genre, right?). As for the non-genre people, they need to respect the creative efforts of their friends and family that write, no matter if they write literary, fantasy, horror, romance, etc.
But, to appease my genre shame, I'm going to start saying I write speculative fiction.
My now brother-in-law's family was over and we were at my aunt's house having desert, and we were talking about my major or something, and my aunt quips up, "Amy writes faan-tasy." (That's how she pronounced it, or at least that's how she pronounced it in my mind.) I got all flustered and hastily interjected, "And science fiction." Slight pause, realizing that's not always much better in non-genre-fans' eyes. "And literary sometimes." His family was very polite about it and stuff, but I was frustrated with my aunt. I considered going to my aunt and asking her to, please, if she was going to mention my writing not to mention what genre I write.
It was an act of genre shame. Unfortunately, genre shame isn't so easy to conquer. Many speculative writers are considered not "real" writers. Their pieces are considered sub-quality. Unfortunately (again), most writers struggle with gaining recognition from their friends and family. Often, they're not "real writers" until they're published. There's even prejudice among writers, those who think they're more of a writer than someone who only "claims" to write (I confess, that's me sometimes. I'm actually going to put up a post about the different kinds of writers sometime).
There needs to be some kind of reconciliation. Writers need to toughen up and stick to their genre no matter what the pressures there are from other people (which isn't easy!), remembering that there are many fans of their genre (otherwise there wouldn't be a genre, right?). As for the non-genre people, they need to respect the creative efforts of their friends and family that write, no matter if they write literary, fantasy, horror, romance, etc.
But, to appease my genre shame, I'm going to start saying I write speculative fiction.
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