(P. S. - at the beginning, yes I know. This post is very stream-of-consciousness. Of course it's not developed fully. But that's just the artist within me.)
I feel like that's almost a quote from somewhere.
So this is the second day of school. I'm so excited about my classes. I sat through most of them yesterday and just kept thinking, "This is amazing. That professor, she nailed exactly what I love about literature" or listening to Ron speak about acting and the most powerful ways in which it affects and thinking about how I could give everything else up if I could move people like that. I knew yesterday that my majors are right, my dreams are right, and that I'm finally starting to figure out who I am, where I want to be, and maybe a slight idea of how I want to get there.
I hadn't nailed it before. I just hadn't worked it all out. I never had a huge adolescent identity crisis or anything, I just didn't know my intricacies yet. I was too vague. And I'm starting to learn and explore, and it's one of the most amazing things ever.
I'm understanding why I do some of the things I do, why I sacrified my heart for my spirit, why I need to take certain risks, why I'll never be happy being a housewife or maybe in a 'normal' job. I'm also realizing that it's ok to rethink your decisions, to reevaluate, and take that time to be sure.
This is it. I am an artist. I am a painter, an actress, a writer, a poet, a musician, a dancer. And if I try to deny myself a life that will fulfill the artist within me, I will ruin myself. This trembling ecstasy which I'm feeling now as I explore my own depths will dissipate, slowly, until I've forgotten it, until it's died, and I will only remember in it dismal snatches. Can I let myself live that way? I can't.
So I don't care about getting a normal job. I don't care about loans and not being able to pay them off. I don't care about living in the worst part of town. I don't care what my parents and family might think about the way I've chosen to live my life. I care about being myself, being me. The artist can touch everyone, move everyone, make everyone cry and laugh and understand about themselves, about life, love, the universe, everything! That's what I want. To show people... everything...
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2 comments:
I'm so happy for you. Why do you want to move people?
that last line is particular powerful, girl. "show them... everything..." reminds me of chesterton, but maybe you've never heard of him. he thought that you could never prove orthodoxy (which means something different to him than it probably does to you) because it would be like trying to prove everything. anyway, i liked that post. self-discovery is daring and amazing, if maybe a little self-centered. that's not a diss or anything, it's just something i've discovered on my own path. keep it focused on the audience. you can move them all. we should talk about this in person sometime... sounds like you've got a lot of passion about it. anyhoo, gotta go.
Peace,
Mike Maune
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