Earlier today, I had a craving for peanut butter M&Ms. Unhappily, they don't have them here in England.

I don't write short emails. Sometimes, that frustrates me.

Just a mental reminder to myself so I don't forget: no TV in the bedroom.

New pictures up at my webshots page: community.webshots.com/user/AmyRose86

Starting over again... again

Tonight I started some preliminary college searching. Yes, it's a bit early, but I don't want to get caught like I did last year, missing deadlines and everything (not that I'm not enjoying my time in England. I'm just trying to implement better time management). Right now I have a list of 17 universities in 3 different states. Limiting my search to certain states has helped a lot, and I'm sure once I spend some time really examining the schools I'll be able to shorten the list a lot. It's a little overwhelming, still. I feel a lot better about the process than I did before. I don't know if it's the extra time, the decreased amount of stress, or the fact that I'm starting to figure out some of the things that caused me a couple of dilemmas the last time. I just hope that it's not the result of apathy or disinterest. I have a history of starting things off in a blaze of passion and then letting it all die off. But I don't think I've suffered a decrease in passion; I think I've realized where my passions really lie. I don't think it's the same place I thought it was six months ago.

I'm hacking out a screenplay. It's complete dribble, and it reminds me of NaNoWriMo because I'm tuning my internal editor out. I just want it to be done by the end of the summer. First draft is fine - that's assuming that I'm at draft zero, because I've only focused on dialogue and story at this point, no format or real direction or anything. But it's all in fun, really. I'm not as disciplined in it as I should be, but I write ever single night practically, either emails or journal entries or on the screenplay, which is a vast improvement from the place I was at this past semester. And even though this story is incredibly awful, I've actually thought about it and worked out some plot points to make it more complicated and planned some of the future events so that it's not just surface level complication that I make up as I go along. I still have some issues that I need to work out with my writing, like the way I feel a dark sense of dread when I think about sitting down for more than 20 minutes and putting words down or the way I feel my head twisted in a vise at the thought of coming up with an original and interesting and passionate idea. I've always just assumed that writing was in my future. Maybe I'm just romanticized with the idea of being a writer.

Needless to say, I have lots of things to work out in my life. This really is a great place to do it, though. I have time to think, time to be away, time to let things work themselves out, time to make some somewhat sensible and logical decisions... well, I don't know if there'll ever be time enough for that. I'm not that kind of person. I think that's why I'm attracted to logical guys. Huh.

I was listening to my iTunes "Top 25 Most Played" songs the other day, and can you believe that after several Coldplay songs, the next most listened to song is Beyonce's Crazy in Love?

Funny way life is.

I've been hanging out recently with the other three au pairs in my host family's school. They've been lots of fun, and I feel like I'll have some solid friendships eventually. It's funny how our common bond of being au pairs has brought us together. We were riding the train back from Portsmouth today, and we were talking to these guys and one of them asked us what we were in England for (since we obviously aren't natives). We said that we were au pairs, and he gave us a blank look and asked us what an au pair was. A couple of the other guys were like, "It's a baby-sitter, man." Katie and I simulaneously said with great indignation, "We are NOT babysitters."

And that's how a girl from America, a girl from South Africa, a girl from Austria, and a girl from France all ended up riding the train together in England, coming home after a very good time casuing general havoc in the neighborhood.

It's when thoughts like these run through my head that I fear I'm going a bit crazy:

"I'm feeling cavernous today."

Even more unhappily, I know exactly what I meant.

Yesterday I decided I didn't like cooking.

Today I decided that if I know what I'm doing, have some sort of company, even if it's just music, and do not spend half the afternoon working on it, cooking's not so bad.

Yesterday I had the revelation that if I don't want to have kids, I don't have to.

Today I realized that I do some of my best thinking while ironing.

Yesterday my batteries finally finished recharging and I got to take some pictures of the exceedingly cute Josiah and help him as he tried to take pictures of me.

Today I had my fist real power stuggle with one of the kids. I won.

And I do want kids.

"Come Pick Me Up"

Come pick me up
Take me out
---- me up
Steal my records
Screw all my friends
They're all full of ----
With a smile on your face
And then do it again
I wish you would

- Ryan Adams

Sign up with skype.com and you can talk with me for free (I sound like an infomercial). Best method if you want to talk to me in person. Email me for my username. I just need to figure out how this mic thing works now...

Cameron Crowe is a Genius

I want more phone conversations like the one in Elizabethtown.

The Da Vinci Code is an interesting read if for only its commentary on female-male relations.

It's 9.00 AM back at home. Some of my friends aren't even up yet. Here's what I've done today:

Woke up at 6.30 AM British time. Took a shower and got ready for when kids and dad came down at 7.00. Helped with breakfast and packing lunches. Helped with the frantic getting ready of the kids for school, as everyone's running late. While mum is away taking 3 oldest kids to school, I stay at home with Josiah, who's 2 (have I mentioned there are 4 kids yet?). After being coaxed by his dad to stay with me, we play a couple of games. After mum leaves again for excercising with friends, we dress up like pirates and run around the house hiding treasure and weathering storms. I think, unfortunately, mum might have a picture of us. Since we buried our treasure, we have to help one of the townspeople (mum) with some chores (putting away the wash) so we can earn money to eat (though Josiah is the only one who gets lunch at this point). Then it's time to make tea. And I mean tea as in the meal, the meal we normally think of as supper. I get to make my first real meal all on my own (well, Josiah tried to help me for a bit, but then he had lunch and was put down for a nap, because pirating just wore him out), and let me tell you, it's a bit nerve wracking. It's one of the children's favourite meals, so they'll know if I got it wrong. I spent about an hour and a half on it. Now I get to have lunch. It's about 14.00 over here, though I usually get to eat at 12.00 or earlier. In about an hour and a half, the other three children will be back from school, and it'll be games and helping them until tea and then more general craziness until bath time (which is a struggle sometimes) and then bed time. They're supposed to have lights out by 19.00. I haven't gotten back from downstairs until at least 19.30 yet, but maybe that'll change. Saying goodnight to four children who really don't want to go to sleep and who'll do anything to get you to stay and talk to them is often a long process. I usually skip two of them. And then I'm free. Relatively. Depending on which day of the week it is.

It's a good time, really. I love the kids to bits. And I've started saying things like "lovely" and "a bit." And I think I might get a whole week off in the summer, and I'm definitely going to use it to go to Scotland or Ireland. If I don't get a whole week off, I might ask for a long weekend sometime. But the family's going to the grandparents this weekend, and I think I'm going to opt out so I can do some traveling and so I can practice my baking and cooking. I think mum and dad have an unrealistic idea about my cooking and baking skills. Oops.

So have fun waking up, some of you slackers back home. I'm only jealous slightly. I'm in England.

They do really say "poppet" over here. And drink tea - a lot.

It's a funny revelation when you realize that you would do anything for certain people, if only they'd ask.

Today I went to the doctor. And got my blood drawn. And the nurse had to try twice. Yuck.

just to prove my point

I just got this message while trying to post a comment on a friend's livejournal:

Error

Please confirm you are a human below.

I'm just a muse, that's all.

Today I am going to the eye doctor. Hopefully I will get contacts.

Post Mortem

I wrote this while free-writing/brainstorming last night:

I'm going to write a crappy love story. I'm putting all this pressure on myself to write an amazing love story. How ridiculous. Besides, love is love. Isn't that all that matters in the end?

I'm expecting a full report about what you've written tomorrow/today, Jeremiah.

Your Famous Movie Kiss is from Spiderman

"I have always been standing in your doorway. Isn't it about time somebody saved your life?"

What Famous Movie Kiss Are You?

I am getting a haircut today.

Waiting like it's my job

I'm about to learn how to master supreme patience.

Transition

It's quarter to 2 on Monday/Tuesday, and I'm sitting in my bed in my dark room listening to music and typing on my nifty laptop. I've wasted the whole night - not a bad thing, necessarily. I think I needed it. The last two weeks have been crazy, almost unbelievable at times. I finally bought my tickets to England today (PS, I didn't lie in that previous post, Jeremiah, because it was in the present tense. I did mean to buy my tickets that day). The realization of being in England by myself for six months is sinking in more and more. These next seven days are going to be these awkward transition days, full of missing Anderson and anticipating England. I'll be unpacking and repacking, visiting old high school friends and calling college friends to talk for one last time, going to doctors, buying movies I need to take with me, and playing nintendo with my brothers. I'm scared, I'm tired, I'm exhilarated, I'm trying to find some ground in the instability I'm facing. Everything in my life relates back to a song. There are so many running through my head, but Ben Folds' got one of my good bye songs, even though it wasn't written as that. I don't have enough hellos in my life.

"There will always be a part of me nobody else is ever gonna see but you and me."

Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end

I'm buying my plane tickets for England today.

And some of my best friends are leaving to go home.

Such a depressing night...

These are the two saddest things in the world: To know that someone can be happy without you, and to realize that people who've affected your life in tremendous ways have not been affected by you.

England

I think the thing that scares me most about going to England is not that I'll hate it, but that I'll love it.

The List, Updated

Updates to the List

Things Accomplished:
-Get my ears pierced
-Introduce A----- and A-----
-Give a shout out/dedicate a song on the radio
-Sneak into a graveyard early in the morning
-Finally watch Fight Club

Things Yet to Accomplish
-Spend a night in the library (I'm talking to the right people)
-Order out of the sunroof at a drive in
-Shoot America's Next Top Model
-Make a video of all my friends
-Write one more letter from Anderson
-Make Alicia her "sexual tension" CD
-Publish one last AU
-Submit Personal Universe
-Go out