Monday, March 19, 2007

"no need to wonder what's been on my mind"

It's 1230, my computer just crashed with my original post, and I still have at least an hour's worth of work ahead of me. I haven't been able to stop thinking for the past two weeks. You know my entire life can be summed up in song lyrics?

Our pastor today talked about the church community, the real relationships and true love and genuine trust we're supposed to be able to find there. Ever wonder what would happen if we stopped lying to each other? I try to be honest in my relationships, to be open, genuine, etc. etc. I'm wondering about what the next level's like. Do people really want to see the honest you (or me)? Aren't they more comfortable not knowing? Maybe I'll just adopt a policy of if you ask, I'll tell.

I was looking through my old posts, and I saw this that I wrote sometime in the fall:

Just pray that God makes it really really really obvious what He wants me to do. I know what I want to do and I know what will probably end up happening, but I want to make sure that I do what He wants. I'm scared that I'll just have to make a blind choice, and that God will show me *afterwards* that I made the one He wanted. I want to know before I do it.

When I was applying to colleges, I made a deal with God. According to the terms of this deal, I felt pretty good about whatever He told me to do. I guess I was just sure that He was going to clearly guide me into what He wanted me to do. Then I realized that this deal was *mine* and that I had set it all up for Him, and really, He hadn't agreed to anything. And when it came time to make my college decisions, I didn't have that clear voice of God telling me what to do. I just had to make the smartest choice on blind faith. As a result, I've had to spend days where the one thing reverberating in my head over and over again is, Why the heck am I here? Not why am I here in the existential way, but why am I here, at Michigan, doing the things I'm doing. Because the thing is, I don't feel God's guidance. I don't know what He wants me to do here. Right now I'm getting pulled through life by its sheer force, my faith tied to my wrist on a string, convincing myself that I did not make a mistake. A huge $40,000 per year mistake. I know I didn't. I would probably have that fear at any new school. The adjustment period, you know.

I felt like I should know what I'm supposed to be doing here by now. I feel like I should know God's reason. I feel like I should *hear* Him. And I talked to my sister about it, and she was amazing. She always was the more rational one. The thing is, after talking to her, I knew that it's coming. Whatever it is, whatever God has planned for me, I'll know what it is soon enough. "Yes I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on..." My faith is a string. It's so frail, it's so little, but it's holding up my entire life.

And even if it was a mistake, God knows how to make it better.

I can't stop playing the songs of my life over and over again in my head. I can't keep from returning to the convictions that mixed up my life in the first place. I can't stop thinking.

1 comment:

michanon said...

Don't worry, you'll find your purpose. An amazing girl like you didn't just show up here by chance. And for the record, you certainly didn't make a mistake coming here. I hope that you see that eventually.