Hitting the Fan

We're a week and a half into our spring semester here at Anderson. I've got some interesting classes and some not so interesting ones, but over all, I think it's going to be good. I'm working at the radio station - you might here me making Public Service Announcments! - mostly writing PSAs and commercials. I got invited into the English Honors society Sigma Tau Delta, which will look good on my college applications. Heather and I started on our screenplay, which I'm really excited about - though she made me say I hated it so that when we're on Oprah and Letterman she can always refer back to when I said I hated it. My friend Liz is practically engaged. They bought the ring, but he hasn't proposed yet. It's crazy. I'm doing terribly on my writing goals. I suck. But the Underground is going pretty well. We got through our second issue, which is always the hardest, and I'm getting a lot of good feedback for the third and fourth issues. There's not too many left before I leave.

It's hitting me more and more that this is my LAST semester here. And it's not like I'm graduating or anything, which kinda makes it worse, like I'm killing something prematurely. This is really weird. I'm going to start talking about my feelings on my blog. Right, so.

I'm starting to feel really detached from everything going on here at Anderson. From work, from school sometimes, from my friends. It's weird. Everything's going to keep going on the same once I leave, and the people that I still should be friends with and living with and growing with are going to do that - without me. It's really a lonely feeling. And I'm not sure I'm going on to anything biger and better. Honestly, I have no idea what I'm going to do next year. I don't know where I'm going to go - I don't even have a definitely list of places I'm applying to yet - sometimes, I think I don't even want to go to school next year. I'm getting so fed up with the Midwest. There's nothing to do, and no one wants to do anything. People are me don't want to change; they don't want anything at all. I want so many things. I want to shoot an independent film, I want to go back packing in New Zealand, I want to have a real relationship with my sister, I want to have a snowball fight for real, I want to get into SFWA, I want to live in France, I want to learn another language fluently, I want to paint, I want to find someone for the Underground who'll take care of it, I want to go to a dance club, I want to write a good novel, I want to spend Saturday mornings being lazy watching tv and movies with my husband, I want to have a library, I want to go to a Killers concert, I want ruby red slippers like Dorthy's, I want to act in A Midsummer Night's Dream, I want to go to the Oscars, I want to learn how to love people better, I want to love God better, I want to never stop growing and wanting things.

I want to leave campus tomorrow and start life over somewhere else.

Words of wisdom from Oasis that kinda capture perfectly how I feel:

"All of the stars have faded away.
Try not to worry you'll see them someday.
Take what you need and be on your way-

And stop crying your heart out."