"Til Kingdom Come..."

I was talking to my dad the other day, and I made a frustrated comment about my life. I told him I seemed to have this personality trait that liked to pick the most difficult path in life as the one I wanted to take. I like to do things the difficult way. For instance, I couldn't just stay at my old university through all four years. I couldn't spend my whole time off at home, with my family in a normal boring job, I had to go to England. I just don't like to do things the easy way apparently. And I was just expressing frustration to him that sometimes it made me so stressed out, trying to get everything to work together. And then he said to me, maybe sometimes it's not worth the stress. Maybe sometimes you should just take the easy option. And I thought about that a little (I was a little put off at first, I don't know why). And then I thought, but I don't want to. Every decision I've made, I'm glad I've made it. And I've made a surprising number of things work. Sheer determination has gotten me through some of my trips in England. I managed to get to England in the first place, and I'm being paid to be here. I waited three years, and it was worth the wait. The thing is, all these "difficult" things that I moaned about, they're what I want. In addition to that personality trait, I have another one, the one that motivates it, and I'm sorta proud of this one. I have a hard time being satisfied with good enough, with fine, with ok. I don't really care what sort of blood, sweat, and tears I have to shed for however many hours, days, months.

Fine just isn't fine with me.

If I fail, it won't be for lack of trying. And even if the less stressful option might be "worth it," I'd rather not take it. Sometimes the mistakes need to be made. Sometimes you need to cross the line to know where your limit is. Sometimes you have to know when to risk it all.

And if all my efforts don't work, and things don't follow through in the way I hope or plan or pray, then I'll just go at it from a new angle of making it what I want.

"Doesn't matter, dear heart maker. You decide."